| PM: | Hi Dick, you look worried.
|
| DR: | We've got a problem John. It appears that my office was bugged
and the recordings are being published on the Internet.
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| PM: | The Internet? I thought we'd killed that off.
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| DR: | That's not till next year John.
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| PM: | Well my office is safe. I get it swept for bugs by ASIO every
morning.
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| CW: | I don't know if I can trust ASIO, especially with all these
sweeping new powers we've given them, you know, legal hacking, snooping
into people's computers.
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| PM: | Why did you do that?
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| CW: | They said they needed it for the Olympic Games. I didn't even
know they were competing, but I took them at their word. Anyway both
Houses passed it, so don't blame me.
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| PM: | We should take time to read all the stuff that goes through the
House. We'll pass some stupid laws one day if we're not careful. I'll
make that my New Year's resolution.
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| DR: | Doesn't ASIO work for the U.S.?
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| PM: | I think you're confusing them with DSD. No, I'm pretty sure ASIO
works for us. Is that right Carol?
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| CW: | Yes, Prime Minister.
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| PM: | Anyway the purpose of this meeting was to discuss our Getting
Things Back Under Control program. Carol, how is your part going?
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| CW: | Well you know I don't agree with all this.
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| DR: | But it's about Protecting Women, Carol. Surely you support that?
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| CW: | If women wanted protection they would have asked for it. You
should have called it the Getting Women Back Under Control program. That's
closer to the mark, isn't it?
|
| PM: | Calm down Carol. You're too young to remember the fabulous
fifties. Anyway, I'm the Prime Minister and this is my personal mission, a
mission from God you might say. So, can I have your report please?
|
| CW: | Sigh.... We're still trying to re-organise the OFLC as you
demanded. After you got Cabinet to reject their new staff appointments, we
did a search for people who might toe your line, people who are more
representative of the community I think you called it. Well, I have to tell
you Prime Minister, we're having a devil of job finding the "right" people,
even in the bush as our friend from Tasmania suggested.
|
| PM: | Keep looking, there must be reasonable people out there
somewhere. How are you doing the selection?
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| CW: | We sit them down to watch movies and get them to try to classify
them, according to the guidelines. Problem is they usually give them the
same rating as the OFLC has, or even lower.
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| PM: | What about the porn movies?
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| CW: | You mean X-rated, sorry Non-violent Erotica? Some of them ask
why we bother classifying them since they're meant to be X-rated. The
usual reaction is that if people want to watch them that's their business,
not the government's. Some even want to know where they can buy them.
|
| PM: | Lordy, what's the world coming to? Clearly we need to crack
down. What if we change the guidelines?
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| CW: | Easier said than done, Prime Minister. The OFLC insists on doing
research into the effects of movies on people's behaviour. They can never
find any evidence to support some of the existing restrictions, let alone
make things tighter.
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| PM: | But don't they report to you? Just give them a Ministerial
direction.
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| CW: | The Act is written so as to limit political interference, Prime
Minister.
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| PM: | This isn't political interference. This is just good government.
People need to be able to sleep soundly in their beds at night. What about
Gerbra, can't she do anything?
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| CW: | Gerbra?
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| PM: | Gerbra Gibbins. I thought I got you to put her in charge. She
was supposed to get rid of videos in homes altogether and only show X and R
stuff in selected theatres. That will stop people using them for
you-know-what in private. And Protect the Children of course.
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| CW: | She runs the Review Board. They can only ban things on appeal,
they can't set policy. And we're having trouble stacking the Board with
enough self-righteous people too.
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| PM: | Well get McGauran or Draper to lodge more appeals then.
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| CW: | The Act limits who can appeal. Again, designed to stop political
interference.
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| PM: | Well change the f***ing Act.
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| CW: | Yes, Prime Minister. We're trying to do that, remember? That
Bill we slipped into the House early in December to amend the
Classification Act.
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| PM: | What Bill?
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| CW: | The one changing X to NVE so we can ban "mild fetishes".
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| PM: | What's a mild fetish?
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| CW: | Ummm... Not easy to explain, especially to you Prime Minister.
Basically, feet and feathers are OK, but vegetables and ducks are not.
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| PM: | So we'll have some government-approved fetishes?
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| CW: | Errrr .... I wouldn't put it that way.
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| PM: | Others no doubt will. I think you'd better send me a copy of
this Bill so I can read it for myself. Anyway, what's this got to do
with allowing political interference in OFLC reviews?
|
| CW: | We've included a well-hidden clause that extends the definition
of an aggrieved person. Once it passes you shouldn't have any trouble
getting films like Lolita banned.
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| PM: | Great news. Now Dick, what's happening with Netty Lurt?
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| DR: | NetAlert, Prime Minister. Well we've stacked it with a
representive group of independent people, as you wanted. And we've got
Puppy and a few of his members on there to keep an eye on things for us.
And Gerbra of course.
|
| PM: | Good. What have they done so far?
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| DR: | They had a meeting. Most of them don't have the faintest idea
what they're suppposed to do, but we've given them $5 million so they'll
figure out a way to spend it I'm sure. A few them haven't even seen the
Internet so there's some education to do first.
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| PM: | Are you organising that?
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| DR: | They're supposed to be independent but I think there's someone in
my department called NOAH who has used the Internet so I'll get him to take
charge.
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| PM: | Good. It's important to undertake all these little gestures so
people will think we are Doing Something.
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| DR: | Oh there's been a lot of gesturing since I took on this
responsibility.
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| PM: | Good. I guess that wraps it up then. Anything else?
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| CW: | Did you say you got ASIO to sweep for microphones?
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| PM: | Yes, every morning.
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| CW: | What about the microphone in your notebook computer there?
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| PM: | Didn't know it had one. I turn it on every day but I haven't
learnt how to use it yet. Why would it have a microphone?
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| CW: | It's for Net meetings or something like that. That's why your
computer is linked into the network.
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| PM: | Well there's no way anyone could listen on that, could they?
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| CW: | Ummmm .......
|